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"It's a case of mind over matter. I don't mind 'cause you don't matter."
Below are my stories about times when things haven't always gone to plan, let's face it, that happens a lot! But I have gotten through them, which is the main thing
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The 'Bucky' story
Monday 18th September
Firstly, I want you all to know that my BEST friend and I sorted this out together, we are so close, this was a one off and I have forgiven her for everything. If you're reading this-I love you! It is here to show how I got through it.
One night my best friend kissed a guy I had liked for ages. I went to Kartouche, a Nightclub and it was a bad night anyway-I had messed up my relationship with someone and other things. Anyway, my friend made it obvious she liked him although she knew I did but I didn't think anything would happen, but it did and they kissed. The night after I gave up, I had had enough of everything. It felt like both of my closest friends had deserted me(my other best bud hardly talked to me anymore) and I had nothing left. I had a job and I couldn't do it due to anxiety and panic attacks. I had nothing. I wrote my mum a letter explaining how everything had gone wrong and how near to the edge I was. She got me help afterwards, but I emailed Andrew"Bob"-I'd like to think of him as a friend!-and he replied. I think it was him who saved me. Everything else which was going on and what I was feeling disappeared due to the two words he used. "I care." |
'Just The Ticket'
I love to perform, as in act, sing, dance, but the way I am has often affected me being able to do that before, so this year when the School Musical was on, I knew it was going to be hard for me to get through it but I was determined not to let it beat me. I was offered one of the main parts, as 'The Barmaid' and at first it was cool, something new to get into, then about a week before, the fear began to kick in. I would wake up with the same sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just wanted to get out, to run away. The day before the first show was my birthday and I wasn't even bothered about that! I was also dumped the day before which didn't help and my whole world was upside down. BUT! I did it! I had a few tears but I got on stage and I performed and on the last night I was walking home and it had all finished, I said to my fear, "I beat you, I f*ckin' beat you" and the happiness I felt was overwhelming!
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Self-Harm, Mutilation, whatever you call it
Yes, I Self-Harm and it is not something I am proud of or want to out all over this site but I do and I know what it is like to feel that this is the only way out. Believe me it isn't. I am not going to sit here and go on about how it isn't right etc 'cause you already know that! I know that if you have an idea in your head when you are in a 'sad' frame of mind you are going to do anything no matter what people say or do. The way I find most helpful though, when I feel like I need to, I make myself busy, I try not to think about it. Just try and find something which takes your mind off it until you feel calm again. I was really upset Fri/Sat morning but I got online for a bit and sent some texts, then my friend phoned me and we chatted for a bit and then I felt my anger had passed. It hadn't gone but it was no longer so strong. Added to that, I felt happy that I hadn't taken it out on myself. No stories as to why my arm was such a mess, no having to make sure I had long sleeved shirts on. I had controlled it, it hadn't controlled me and it felt good. |
Compulsive-Obsessive
Just recently I have been having a real bad time with COD or OCD. Simple things like having to think something as I read or look at something. It is starting to wear me down....I was watching a film and I kept putting it off and off until I couldn't stand it any longer, I had to rewind it to a certain bit and think something specific and look at something specific as I watched it. I am still in it's trap yet again but I am hoping to take control asap! I have suffered from this a while now and it isn't good! If you experience this, you'll know what I mean! Well, I will keep you updated as to how I am managing to control it! I was told that I had to learn to control my fear, not let my fear control me.
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Meeting and Panic!
I suffer from anxiety and I had a phobia of being sick in public. I learnt to control it as it started to take over my life. Now it surfaces occasionally, especially when I experience something new, or different. This has caused a lot of probs when it comes to meeting people. But, today I met my Ex boyfriend and I was scared at first and I was contemplating putting it off but I thought no. I think I was just nervous anyway and it tried to escalate to something major. I knew if I did this, I would be able to look back and say I have beaten the fear. So I manage to get there, and it was weird but good. I was just happy that I had managed to make it! |
Kartouche
Well, I am so ashamed of myself that I feel slightly sick as I write this.
Monday was gonna be a mad night cause I had some back from holiday and missed everyone so much! Me and Em started a bit late I think, but we soon made up for that and had managed to drink this Absinthe stuff and 60% vodka. We were absolutely mashed. We left and got to Kartouche, everything was good.I didn't chat to my b/f for a while, we just mingled and shit. The same old feelings of fear surfaced in my body. Feelings of emptiness and no self-esteem left to be screwed with. The same old. Em was already upset and that made me mad, I don't know exactly hen I lost control but I remember that feeling of sheer ecstacy. The sticky blood trickling over my arms felt so good and I felt content. You see, I always feel the same when I go too far, I feel like I am noone and my b/f doesn't give two fux. I can't help it, it just always seems to surface. I asked if we could talk and being so fed up with me being in this state he shouted and left. I lost it. I went crazy. Without Stevo, my life means nothing. I knew that, and I planned to fix it, my own way. I had so much anger inside of me, it was eating me away. I cut and cut and cut until I saw the look on Emma's face. Sheer horror. All I could do was laugh. I mean, this was what I wanted. All I wanted, to go to sleep, and never wake up. Basically, Stevo came back for me, took me home and stayed. I was cleaned up and went to sleep. The next day was hard, I couldn't stop shaking. I had to tell someone. I broke down infront of my English teacher.
I've been off alcohol for two weeks now. I believe it is evil. I was only cms away from my vein and if I drink again, I know I won't miss....
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Description of Product
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Description of Product
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Description of Product
Under construction
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