Not good is it? Being sad 24/7 is hard enough but having these morons telling you to 'pull yourself together', gee, if only I'd have thought of that before!

'Pain is a teacher from whom we can learn much"

Well, here it is, my mind-numbingly boring story of my sad existence! No, seriously, this is my story and I mean that in a strictly non-red book, 'This is your life' kinda way!
Please read this and express your opinions but not to the point where you and others may be at risk, I want to help, not make things worse.
Just remember running away makes things worse, and your own simple solutions have huge consequences

I guess the beginning is good! Well, when I was young I used to be in all the School plays etc but then, and I can't remember exactly when or why but I just couldn't perform anymore, I was terrified. I also started to get v.v.paranoid about ppl knowing who I was and where I lived. Then I was 'ok' until I was about 14-15. I started to think about my past and all the mistakes I had made, minor things now but the fear they filled me with was anything but small. I couldn't eat, sleep, go out, do anything. I was constantly terrified and guilt filled me morning and night. The guilt took over and I still had no idea what was happening to me. Small thoughts escalated to huge ones, to gigantic ones. Then it seemed to 'gradually fade'.
Then it all started to go really wrong. In Year 8 at School me and some friends got in trouble for writing on a wall. I denied being a part of it as I thought I hadn't been a part of it. The guilt started to take over. My mates just laughed it off but I was terrified. I had to admit being a part of it, it seemed the answer, only, by now I had gotten really down and COD(see below)decided to kick in. If anyone suffers from this you will know the nightmare it truely is. I had to step on things such as drains and rubbish with both feet. As you can image I looked so stupid but I couldn't help it. The fear was so strong.

My friends looked at me like I was a freak. They laughed and talked about me behind my back. They said I was going mad. The truth is I really thought I was. I needed answers to what the hell was happening but noone could understand. They laughed and it hurt so much because they were supposed to understand. I knew I had to take control, this was ruining my life! I managed to control it, it took a lot but it mattered to me what people thought and I wasn't crazy, I just had to prove it. I learnt to control my thoughts, most of them! I started to be able to do things again like read a book, go out etc. But then my anger kinda reversed from my outside to in. I mean, when I used to get in trouble and get mad I would throw things, have tantrums ya know(I hate that word!) But then one day I got in trouble for a phonebill. I was so mad and upset I took a stanley knife and cut about 14 straight lines across my left arm. Simple as that. I had Self-Harmed. I look back and feel sick for the hell I put my family through. I have images of me screaming whilst being held down to stop me from doing myself anymore harm. I used to openly admit I wanted to die to hear responses such as 'why are you like this','what is so bad in your life?' etc along with a lot of tears. It still affects me now. The fact that my family thought they were to blame? How was that so? I think that is what helped me to start making things better. Well, at least trying to anyway! I missed one other fear I had to overcome, I started to have panic attacks. I developed a fear of being sick in public. It started to ruin my life but I have gotten over it. I got help and now it surfaces sometimes but now I can control it. I'll tell you more about this later!

So, now, really I am up to where I am now. I still Self-Harm occasionally, I have never been 'dependant' on it though, so I am grateful for that. I still have numerous probs in the relationship areas and I am yet to learn to love myself but from the real bad times I learnt so much about myself and life. It hasn't all just suddenly come together but I feel I have made a change. The 'push' for this was the fact that I went to see someone. Dr.Merricks at 'Ivry Lodge'. It was one of the greatest things ever. To be able to tell someone what I was going through without seeing tears or anger. I had finally begun to make sense of what was happening to me. I was diagnosed as being depressed at 15 years of age. If you want to know anything else about 'My story', please do not hesitate to contact me or leave a message in the guestbook. Thanks loads for your time.